Jokes, Quotes, Expressions ============================ How do you eat an elephant? One chunk at a time. ----------------------- Oxymorons: Adult Male Military Intelligence Fresh Frozen A fine mess Childproof Express Mail -------------------------- 2 Words that play well together Tutie Fruitie Nitty Gritty Holy Moly Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Okey Dokey Fuddy Duddy Boogie Woogie Willy Nilly Hokey Pokey Razzle Dazzel Hubba Hubba Rock and Roll Lean and Mean Hocus Pocus Fat Cat Flower Power Helter Skelter Super Duper Double Trouble Good job: Kimo sabe, bat man, wonder woman, smarty pants, mean machine Needs help: Wonky, lame, ugly, tonto, rookie, rascals, --------------------------- When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth Hurtie. ---------------------------- Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ------------------------- Definition: Hogwash Pigs who run a laundry ---------------------- Definition: Hogging the computer Pigs playing computer games ---------------------- Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this? Pupil: This is my father speaking! ---------------------- Why did the chicken lay an egg? Because it would break if the chicken DROPPED it! -------------------------- Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once! ---------------------------- "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!" ---------------------------- Pupil: I can't solve this problem. Teacher: Any five year old should be able to solve this one. Pupil: No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten! ------------------------------- Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here! ------------------------------- During the cold winter of 1777, where did General Washington keep his armies? Up his sleevies. ---------------------- Why do ducks fly south in the winter. Because walking would take too long! ---------------------- Why did the chicken cross the street? To get to the other side. http://www.snapoo.com/jokes/joke14.html ---------------------- What is an IDtenT error? ID1OT! ---------------------- Most computer problems are caused by the lose nut between the computer and the chair. ---------------------- An engineer found a frog that said, “Kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess.” The engineer studied the frog, then put it in his pocket. “Hey,” the frog croaked, “how come you didn’t kiss me?” “I’d rather have a talking frog than a princess any day!” replied the engineer. ---------------------- Age, experience and brilliance One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! ------------------------------------------ No worms: --------- 4 Worms Church Sermon! For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap! Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!! A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol- Dead The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration??? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service ---------------------- To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ---------------------- Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ---------------------- An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? That’s cool!" ---------------------- Mark Twain ----------- "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." -- Mark Twain ---------------------- Llamas wearing pajamas? A black and white skunk dressed like a monk and in in quite a funk? A big, bad bull frog riding a fat freaky wild hog? A heard of fancy birds looking very absurd? African Proverb: --------------- Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be eaten. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It don't matter if you're a gazelle (with good looking legs and a 'can't we all just get along' democrat philosophy) or a lion (with too much testosterone and a 'survival of the fittest' republican philosophy.) When the sun comes up, you better start running! ---------------------- African proverb ---------------- If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. African proverb ---------------------- Alice in Wonderland > Lewis Carrol: > "There is no use trying, " said Alice, "one can't believe impossible things." > "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "Why, when I was > your age sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before > breakfast." All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten ------------------------------------------------- Release Date: 5/28/2002. Expired: 8/16/2002 “Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.” Clear, Concise and Compelling ... ---------------------------------- Office Hours: Open most days about 9 or 10. Occasionally as early as 7 but some days as late as 12 or 1. We close about 4 or 5 but sometimes as late as 11 or 12. Some days or afternoons we aren't here at all and lately we have been here just about all the time, except when we are someplace else. ---------------------- Measure twice Cut once Then curse and go to Home Depot to buy more wood! 7 times measure once cut! (Bulgarian) ---------------------- Most computer problems are caused by the lose nut between the computer and the chair. ---------------------- Pirate Talk: The larders are full, the anchor's aweigh, and there's a favorable wind from the west! Have you heard the squawk on the street? biggest party in all the seven seas! The Jolly Roger will fly again over the Boston Harrrbor! There's gonna be plenty of grub, grog, and jiggin'.... Jiggin' not yar thing? Use the chance to meet other pirates just like yourself. Of course we want you to dress like a pirate! So pick out yar finest eye-patch and polish your hook, you don't want to be the only one lookin' like a land-lubber among a band of swashbucklers. What arrre ye waiting for? If ye be havin' any questions, feel free to send me a carrier pigeon! Sound the conch shell and spread the worrrrrd. Yarrr, Jibran